"I am hearing poetry when awake, dreaming poetry when asleep, breathing poetry with each breath, I am living in a poem."

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

My Chair of Tears

Sunflowers weep brittle petals
from their frosted death mask,
and I beg spring to come and
take the funeral from my garden.
Winter has written so many
entries in its journal of bone chill
I breathe its story each morning.

Pain walks through my thighs
on the command of a barometer,
a stab here, a burn there…
a Pinocchio dance on legs
too stiff to react as human.

In my chair of tears I wonder
if this petrification will bring me
closer to humility or will I merely
live my own wasting one splinter at a time.

If not for love, I would make my own
journey to spring, but to pill myself
into eternity would break the heart
of a man who would bear my pain
if the universe would allow him.

Hope is truly fragile, a paper thin glass
one demon away from shattering.
I must have faith I’m a day closer
to a robin song, and not a hymn sung
where I am coffined in silence.

  ©Susie Clevenger 2018

This was written from my experiences in 2002 with Fibromyalgia while living in Broken Arrow, Ok. This winter because of the colder weather in Texas where I now reside I have been on a roller coaster of flares, but I am in a much better place both physically and emotionally. Writing and my fledgling artistic attempts with beading have been my salvation. Yes, the garden outside my window suffered the devastation of a hard frost, but my spirit has never surrendered its green leaves.


Toni said...

Fibromyalgia is a living hell, I've been told. Sending you hugs and healing light.

Sherry Marr said...

What a beautiful poem, Susie. I especially love the being "one day closer to a robin song." I have fibro and CFS too, and recently watched Unrest on netflix, a stunning documentary about sufferers, many of whom are completely debilitated by the illness. I was very ill the first few years, but am fortunate that my version of it has allowed me to continue living, even if in somewhat limited a fashion. Glad your spirit has never surrendered. Mine didnt either and I suspect that is what has kept us moving.

Sanaa Rizvi said...

"Hope is truly fragile, a paper thin glass one demon away from shattering"..oh gosh this is heartbreaking! :(

Rommy said...

I know several people for whom winter means a lot more pain than the inconvenience of shoveling snow. I hope warmer days will return you to better well-being.

kaykuala said...

Hope is truly fragile, a paper thin glass
one demon away from shattering.

Hope is all commanding to give some solace to the spent for inspiration! Very much so Susie!


rallentanda said...

Spring will come soon and your garden will thrive again. Winter is becoming harder to bear as we age. Poets deserve a life of Spring and Summers.I'll see what I can arrange:)

Jim said...

"to pill myself into eternity would break the heart of ... (the one) who would bear my pain" stops many. I threaten to live my last hours in Oregon but I don't get much mileage off that. I feel for your situation. Thank you for telling "how it is" so well. We lost a lot of backyard green also here in Katy.

difficultdegrees.com said...

I'm crying

brudberg said...

I so much enjoy winter, and now I feel bad for everyone hurting... Hope spring comes for you

grapeling said...

piercing ~

M. A. S. said...

So many great lines "come and take the funeral from my garden."

I'm glad to hear that you do still have green in your spirit.

Thotpurge said...

Hope is truly fragile, a paper thin glass
one demon away from shattering.... that's heartbreaking... sending you warm healing wishes.

Fireblossom said...

People aren't lying when they say health is the most important thing. Pain just stops everything and its exit is cause for real celebration.

Anonymous said...

First off I want to say terrific blog! I had a quick question which I'd like to ask if you do not
mind. I was interested tto find out how you center yourself and clear your
head before writing. I hzve had a hard time clearing mmy
thoughts in getting my ideas out there. I do take pleasure in writing however it just seems like
the first 10 to 15 minnutes are generally lost just trying to figure oout how to begin.
Any suggestions or tips? Cheers!

scotthastiepoet said...

A sparkling and vibrant write Susie, redolent of both suffering and also the indomitable human spirit, yearning for Spring and the possibilities of new beginnings. A real pleasure to read and to feel your soul too...

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