The Day I Decided to Live

The day I decided to live

I erased every number on my phone,

dropped a few lines to enemies,

and got the fuck out of bed.

The silence had grown moss

across the walls in pitiful whines

until I couldn’t stand the me

I had wallowed into.

Why face the sunrise with a shit load

of every misery you insomnia walked

through your mind until your eyes

were tear rimmed bloodshot?

Alone sucked me into its bitter lemon

until I couldn’t stand my own company.

There wasn’t an ounce of friendly in my smile

or enough joy to shadow walk a grin.

I’m now ten years from the gray matter

I sacrificed to trying to find peace in a crap shoot.

My mind is still closer to crazy, but I’m in a better place.

Self pity loves to give you a knife sharp enough

to cut you into friendless… I burned enough bridges

for revival…Dancing on the end of a rope will teach

you how to live without blaming silence for kicking the chair.

  

 ©Susie Clevenger 2018

I wrote this in response to Charlies Bukowski's poem, The Night I Was Going to Die .

The Night I Was Going to Die ~ Charles Bukowski 

the night I was going to die

I was sweating on the bed

and I could hear the crickets 

and there was a cat fight outside

and I could feel my soul dropping down through the 

mattress

and just before it hit the floor I jumped up

I was almost too weak to walk

but I walked around and turned on all the lights

and then I went back to bed

and dropped it down again and

I was up

turning on all the lights

 

You can read the rest of the poem on the link above.

Real Toads ~ Play Tennis With a Ghost