Yesterday I posted this as my Facebook status.
"Another day closer to breaking my addiction to Neurontin (Gabapentin). What else would I call it? I have experienced itching, nausea, (social) + general anxiety, depression, Insomnia, anger, pain. I never abused the drug, just took it as directed. I am not advocating everyone who is on it to stop taking it. I am talking about myself. I would get up in the morning and experience what I call Neurontin drunk. I stumbled, my thoughts jumbled, speech effected. I have been stepping down from the drug for months. I am finally down to 30 mgs from my highest dose of 600. Yes, what else would I call it but addiction when I want to say screw it and go back to taking it again so I won't have to deal with "stepping down." Charlie has been patient, thoughtful, and loving through the process. I am so grateful he is there, my girls and for prayer, my own, and those who have prayed for me, those who have spoken kind words of encouragement. I am getting there one step at a time."
I feel so guilty about ever letting myself get to this point. Fibromyalgia had me in so much pain about ten years a go I was desperate for relief. It was the perfect set up for addiction. Forgiving myself is part of the journey. I know it will come.
"Another day closer to breaking my addiction to Neurontin (Gabapentin). What else would I call it? I have experienced itching, nausea, (social) + general anxiety, depression, Insomnia, anger, pain. I never abused the drug, just took it as directed. I am not advocating everyone who is on it to stop taking it. I am talking about myself. I would get up in the morning and experience what I call Neurontin drunk. I stumbled, my thoughts jumbled, speech effected. I have been stepping down from the drug for months. I am finally down to 30 mgs from my highest dose of 600. Yes, what else would I call it but addiction when I want to say screw it and go back to taking it again so I won't have to deal with "stepping down." Charlie has been patient, thoughtful, and loving through the process. I am so grateful he is there, my girls and for prayer, my own, and those who have prayed for me, those who have spoken kind words of encouragement. I am getting there one step at a time."
I feel so guilty about ever letting myself get to this point. Fibromyalgia had me in so much pain about ten years a go I was desperate for relief. It was the perfect set up for addiction. Forgiving myself is part of the journey. I know it will come.
Prescription Tour Through Addiction
Ink ticket poured
into a bottle,
a prescription train
tour through addiction.
Pain brain feeds
on who you were
as a pill morphs you
into who you aren’t.
Back bends from
the monkey on your back
grinding lies into white powder.
Exits fly by faster
than your will can reach.
Today empties your pockets
while tomorrow begs for change.
Addiction is a cat with nine lives.
It purrs so loud it drowns the sound
of reason urging, “If you get off here,
you can cut that bitch down to eight.”
©Susie Clevenger 2016
My struggle with Neurotin is why I recently wrote and posted this poem.
Dandelion Strong
I am moon, the northern star,
the wild woman gathering
mulberry shadows.
I am weed, dandelion strong,
growing where impossible
fertilizes the soil.
I am wild moon weed
turning shadows into star light,
a dreamer resurrected from killing fields.
©Susie Clevenger 2016
Comments
I've been there, sort of, as I feel that I have used about seven of my nine (see "http://jimmiehov.blogspot.com/search?q=nine+lives:).
But then there was an associated pain, where I became/was/am addicted to Vicodin after my knee surgery. I was on it for about six months but my body wanted/wants to stay on it forever, even after all the pain is gone. Now and then for toothache my dentist would prescribe it. I have my stash and recognize it's effect but haven't used it for a few years. now.
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