“It's like a storm that cuts a path
It's breaks your will, it feels like that
You think you're lost, but you're not lost
On your own, you're not alone" *
It's breaks your will, it feels like that
You think you're lost, but you're not lost
On your own, you're not alone" *
My love watched me
be overtaken by pain
that had no cause,
no relief, no cure.
The agony of my bones
turned on its match
to burn my flesh,
and death wooed me
with its painless sleep.
When I was too weak to speak,
he was my voice…
When I couldn’t stand,
he was my legs…
When I couldn’t hope,
he was my prayer.
Why hung itself like
a black wreath on my spirit.
I was an enigma passed
from physician to physician.
While I was holding on to thin air
midnight lit a lamp to expose
death had planted its seed
in a prescription bottle.
Though I had an answer, it wasn’t a rainbow’s
ride out of hell…My mind medicated
into despair was a tough jumpstart
into believing life was better than death.
When I was too weak to speak,
my husband was my voice…
When I couldn’t stand,
my husband was my legs…
When I couldn’t hope,
my husband was my prayer.
©Susie Clevenger 2014
The beginning quote is from the song, I Will Stand By You, written by Jason Sellers, and Steve Robson; performed by Rascal Flatts.
In 2012 I was prescribed the prescription drug, Cozar. What began with a high fever and pain progressed to agonizing pain, only being able to feed myself, and the darkest depression I have ever experienced. I have been warned by a cardiologist I am never to take that class of drugs again because there is every likelihood next time it would kill me. The list of side effects can be found here.
During this hell few people knew what was really happening to me. I asked Charlie to only post on my Facebook page that I wasn't feeling well. I was dependent on Charlie to bathe me, dress me and assist me in going to the bathroom.The only thing I could do was feed myself which took extreme effort because I had to wear neoprene gloves to try and stabilize the joints in my hands to reduce pain.
I was bounced between doctors who didn't have a clue as to what was happening to me. My primary doctor was going to send me to a infectious disease specialist because he thought I had contracted a virus that was attacking the bones. Somehow through the physical pain and my mind surrendering to death a light bulb flashed and I realized I had began taking Cozar the month before. Charlie and I started digging deeper into the drug's side effects and found it was the demon killing me. I stopped taking it and physically I began to rebound, but mentally I was still shrouded in the belief I would die. Charlie had to tell me every day I was getting better. I had the song, I Will Stand By You, on my iPod and I listened to it over and over, clung to the words because I knew Charlie was there for me and many friends who didn't know the real extent of my illness were praying and speaking positive words on my behalf.
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